Textingby The Invisible Man Fix
Get the date

How to Ask Her to Be Your Girlfriend (and Whether to Do It Over Text): In Person If You Can, Plainly

Asking someone to be your girlfriend is the one conversation texting is worst at, and sometimes it is the only option. When the question is ready, the plain words in person, and the text version done well.

Updated 5 min read
The short answer

Ask her to be your girlfriend in person if you possibly can, plainly, after a few weeks of the signs: you are seeing each other regularly, she has stopped mentioning other dates, and “we” has started appearing.

The sentence is simple: “I like this a lot, and I’d like you to be my girlfriend. What do you think?”

If distance makes text the only option, do it as a short, warm, direct message, never a paragraph, and never after a dry spell.

If she says she needs to think, give her the time without pressure; that is a fine answer to a question asked well.

On this page
  1. When it is time
  2. In person or by text, and what to say
  3. The paragraph by text versus the plain ask
  4. Messages that work
  5. What not to send
  6. Name what already exists, plainly, and give her room to answer
  7. Questions

When it is time

  • You see each other regularly. Weekly or more, for a month or two.
  • She has stopped mentioning other dates. And you have.
  • “We” has appeared. Plans, in-jokes, a future tense in her messages.
  • She has introduced you to someone. A friend, a flatmate, a sister.
  • You already behave like it. The question is naming something that exists.
  • She has hinted.

    “What are we?”, “are you seeing other people?”, or a friend’s question she relays. How to answer “what are we?” is the same conversation from the other side.

In person or by text, and what to say

Decision card for “In person or by text, and what to say”: 6 situations, each with its verdict: you can see her this week, long distance and 4 more
The verdict for each situation at a glance; the reasoning for each is in the list below.
  • You can see her this week: in person, at the end of a good evening, plainly. “I like this a lot, and I’d like you to be my girlfriend. What do you think?”
  • Long distance: a call first, if possible. If text is genuinely the channel, short, warm and direct.
  • You are nervous and want to say it right: a text can be the warm-up, not the ask. “There’s something I want to ask you on Thursday, and it’s a good something.”
  • She has already hinted: say it next time you see her. The hint was the invitation.
  • It has gone a bit quiet lately: not yet. Fix the quiet first; a big question into a dry spell reads as anxiety.
  • She says she needs time: give it, gracefully, with no follow-up for at least a few days.

The paragraph by text versus the plain ask

WeakThe essay, out of nowhere
You: Hey so I’ve been thinking a lot about us lately and I know we haven’t really talked about it but I feel like we have something really special
You: and I was wondering if you’d maybe want to make it official and be my girlfriend? No pressure obviously, I just wanted to put it out there, sorry if this is weird
Her: oh! um, can we talk about this when I see you?
You: Yeah of course, sorry

A paragraph with three hedges, an apology at each end, and “no pressure” from a man who has just put a lot on. She asked to do it properly; he apologised again.

He asked the biggest question of the relationship as if he expected a no.

BetterShort, warm, direct
You: I’ve been wanting to say this properly, and I’d rather ask than assume: I’d like you to be my girlfriend. Thursday, in person, I’ll say it again with a drink in hand, but I didn’t want to wait
Her: you don’t have to wait. yes. obviously yes
You: Obviously yes is the best answer available. Thursday, then, and I’m still saying it again
Her: say it as many times as you like

Two sentences, no hedges, a plan to say it in person too, and the question was answered before Thursday.

Messages that work

ProgressionThe text version, done well
You: I’ve been wanting to say this properly, and I’d rather ask than assume: I’d like you to be my girlfriend. I’ll say it again in person, but I didn’t want to wait another week

Why it works: Short, warm, direct, with no hedges and a plan to say it in person too.

Emotional movementThe warm-up for in person
You: There’s something I want to ask you on Thursday. It’s a good something, and you’ll like it, and I’m not telling you now

Why it works: A playful heads-up keeps the ask in person while making Thursday something she looks forward to.

InvestmentLong distance
You: I know we’re a long way apart and I’ve decided I don’t want that to make this vague. I’d like you to be my girlfriend. Can I call you tonight so I can hear your face?

Why it works: Honest about the distance, direct about the ask, and a call to carry it.

Emotional movementIf she needs to think
You: Of course. Take whatever time you need; I asked because I mean it, not because I need an answer tonight. I’m here when you’re ready

Why it works: Giving her time without pressure is the only reply that keeps the question a good one.

Emotional movementAfter she says yes
You: Then I have a girlfriend, which I’m going to say out loud to my kitchen now. Thursday, I’m cooking, and you’re meeting my terrible cat

Why it works: A light, happy reply with a plan in it is the right size for a yes.

What not to send

  • The paragraph. Two sentences. The length is nerves, and she can read nerves.
  • Hedges. “Maybe”, “if you want”, “no pressure”, “sorry if this is weird”. Each one asks her to reassure you.
  • A surprise after a dry spell. Fix the quiet first.
  • The ask by text when you could do it in person this week. The one conversation texting is worst at.
  • Following up on “let me think”. Days, not hours. The follow-up is the pressure.
  • Asking because you are anxious. If the question is really “are you going anywhere?”, that is a different conversation, and from talking stage to dating has it.

Name what already exists, plainly, and give her room to answer

The principle: Progression

Asking her to be your girlfriend is momentum arriving at its natural destination, and it works when it names something already true rather than requesting something that is not.

In person if you can, two sentences if by text, no hedges, and grace with whatever she says.

Making your intent clear is the earlier version of the same honesty; texting between dates is where the signs that it is time usually appear.

Go deeper: Progression: Why Good Conversations Move Toward Meeting

Ask Her Out Builder: Turn Your Conversation Into a Date Invite. Whether it’s time to ask, and three ways to bridge from what you’re already talking about to a specific, easy-to-accept plan.

Try it free

Questions

How do I ask a girl to be my girlfriend?

In person if you can, after a few weeks of regular dates and the signs (she has stopped mentioning other dates, “we” has appeared), plainly: “I like this a lot and I’d like you to be my girlfriend. What do you think?”

Is it okay to ask her to be my girlfriend over text?

If distance or circumstances make it the only channel, yes: two sentences, warm and direct, no hedges, with a plan to say it in person too. If you can see her this week, wait and ask in person.

What if she says she needs to think about it?

Give her the time, gracefully, with no follow-up for several days. “Can I think about it” is a fine answer to a question asked well; the follow-up is what turns it into pressure.

How do I know it’s the right time to ask?

You see each other regularly, neither of you mentions other dates, she uses “we”, she has introduced you to someone, and you already behave like it. The question names what exists.

Keep reading

Left on ReadThe Texting Playbook