How to Answer “What Are We?” Over Text: Say What You Want, Ask What She Wants, and Don’t Dodge
“What are we?” is a question with one wrong answer, which is any answer that is not an answer. What to say if you want more, if you want it casual, and if you want to end it, in one honest sentence each.
Answer “what are we?” with what you actually want, in one plain sentence, and then ask what she wants: “I’d like this to be a relationship, and I’ve been meaning to say so. What do you want it to be?”
If you want to keep it casual, say that honestly. If you want out, say so kindly.
The one answer that fails every time is the dodge (“what do you mean?”, “let’s not label it”), because she asked precisely so that it would be defined.
If you can, say you would rather talk properly in person and set a time; but give the honest headline now.
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Why she is asking
- She wants more and wants to know if you do. The most common reason.
- She is unsure and wants to stop guessing. The question is relief-seeking, not a trap.
- Someone else asked her. A friend, a family member, or another man, and she needs an answer she does not have.
- She has noticed you dodging. This is the direct version of a question she has hinted at.
- She wants out and is giving you the chance to say it first. Rare, and the tone will tell you.
What to say, by what you want
- You want a relationship: “I’d like this to be a relationship. I should have said it before you had to ask. What do you want?”
- You want more time but are heading there:
“I like where this is going and I’m not quite ready for the word yet; I will be, and I don’t want you waiting in the dark. Can we talk properly on Thursday?”
- You want to keep it casual:
“I like this as it is and I’m not looking for more at the moment. I’d rather be honest than keep you guessing, and I understand if that changes things for you.”
- You want to end it: “I’ve really liked this, and I don’t think it’s going where you want, and I don’t want to pretend it is. I’m sorry.”
- You genuinely don’t know:
“Honest answer: I don’t know yet, and I don’t want to say the easy thing. What I do know is I like you. Can we talk about it properly, not over text?” Then set the time.
The dodge versus the answer
Two dodges in a row. “Does it need a label” is a no that will not admit it, and she will hear it as one.
She asked for an answer and got a question and a shrug.
One plain sentence, a question back, and a plan to talk properly without making her wait for the headline.
Replies that work
Why it works: A plain statement of what you want, with ownership for not saying it sooner, is the answer the question deserves.
Why it works: Honest about not being ready, with a direction and a time, is fair and leaves her something solid.
Why it works: Clear, kind and without pretending, which is the only honest version of this answer.
Why it works: Ending it plainly and kindly, in answer to a direct question, is more respectful than letting her find out slowly.
Why it works: Admitting uncertainty honestly, with a plan to resolve it, is better than a dodge and better than a lie.
What not to send
- “What do you mean?” She means what she said.
- “Why do we need labels?” A no that will not say so.
- “Let’s talk in person” with no headline. A dodge with a date on it. Give the headline, then the date.
- A paragraph. One sentence of what you want, one question. The paragraph is nerves.
- The answer you think she wants. It buys a week and costs the truth.
- Silence. Leaving “what are we?” unanswered is the answer, and the cruelest version of it.
She asked so it would be answered; answer it
“What are we?” is a request for investment made visible, and the only reply that respects it is a plain statement of what you want and a question about what she wants.
Making your intent clear has the version where you say it before she has to ask, which is better, and from talking stage to dating has what the next conversation looks like.
Go deeper: Investment: How to Tell (and Build) Whether She’s in the Conversation
After you answer
- You both want more: From the talking stage to dating has the next steps.
- You want to keep it casual and she doesn’t: When one of you isn’t looking for anything serious.
- She asked what you’re looking for instead: How to answer “what are you looking for?” is the earlier, lighter version.
- You want to say it before she asks next time: Making your intent clear.
What Should I Reply? A Free Helper for the Text You’re Staring At. Paste her message. Get three directions, the reason each one works, and the mistake to avoid. Nothing you type leaves your phone.
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What do I say when a girl asks “what are we?”
What you actually want, in one sentence, then what she wants: “I want this to be a relationship. What do you want it to be?” If you want it casual or want out, say that plainly and kindly. Never dodge.
Should I answer “what are we?” over text or in person?
Give the honest headline over text, because she asked and waiting is a dodge, and then talk properly in person: “The answer is yes; let’s talk on Thursday about what it looks like.”
What if I don’t know what we are?
Say so honestly, say what you do know (that you like her), and set a time to talk properly. “I don’t know yet” with a plan is honest; “why do we need labels?” is a no in disguise.
What if I want to keep it casual?
Say it clearly and kindly, and accept that it may change things for her: “I like this as it is and I’m not looking for more right now. I’d rather tell you than keep you guessing.” She asked so she could decide; let her.
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