The Hygiene Checklist for Men Nobody Tells You: The Things That End a Date Before It Starts, Caught at Home
Nobody tells a man his breath, his jacket or his collar ended the date, so he never finds out. The things noticed at a table, in the order they are noticed, with the catches that happen at home before you leave.
The hygiene checklist for men is the list of things a woman notices across a table and will never tell you about: breath, especially after coffee; hands and nails; the smell of a jacket that has been to three bars; a collar with a ring on it; the scent of a shirt that dried slowly; hair a day past clean; dandruff on the shoulders of a dark top. Every one is caught at home in under a minute, and none at the table, because nobody tells you. Shower, teeth and floss, nails, a clean shirt from a fast dry, the jacket sniffed, the shoulders brushed, mints in the pocket.
Caught at home
- Every day
- Shower, and wash the places that actually produce smell: armpits, groin, feet, behind the ears, the back of the neck
- Antiperspirant on dry skin after the shower; deodorant alone stops the smell for an hour and the sweat for none
- Brush for two minutes and floss; floss is where the breath lives, and a mouth that is only brushed smells fine to its owner and to nobody else
- Tongue brushed or scraped; it is where coffee breath comes from
- Clean underwear and socks, every day, without exception; the exception is noticed
- Hands washed, nails short and clean, nothing under them
- Hair washed often enough that it is never a day past clean; for most men that is every one or two days
- Before you leave for a date
- Smell the jacket, at the collar and the armpit, before you put it on; a jacket that has been to three bars is read as the three bars
- A clean shirt, dried fast; a shirt that dried slowly on a rack smells of the rack, and you cannot smell it on yourself
- Check the collar for a ring and the shoulders for dandruff or lint, in a mirror, in good light; brush the shoulders of anything dark
- Brush your teeth again, after the last thing you ate, and floss if there was anything with seeds or meat
- Mints in a pocket for after coffee or garlic; not gum, which reads as chewing
- Nose and ear hair trimmed, eyebrows tidied; they are part of the face and read as part of it
- Hands: a second wash, nails checked, and hand cream if they are dry; hands are on the table all evening
- Feet, if there is any chance shoes come off: clean socks without holes, nails cut; it is a second-date item that first dates occasionally reach
- Shoes clean, because the smell of a shoe is noticed and the look of a scuffed one is noticed sooner
Why these items, and why at home
The usual hygiene list is a health list: shower, brush, wash your hands. This one is a dating list, which means it is sorted by what is noticed across a table and by the fact that nobody will tell you. A friend will tell you your fly is open.
Nobody, ever, tells a man on a date that his breath was the reason, that his jacket smelled of the bar he was in on Tuesday, or that the collar of his shirt had a line on it. The date just ends on time, with a warm hug, and he never finds out which of these it was. The checklist is the way to find out at home, where it costs a minute, instead of never.
Breath is the big one and floss is the fix. A mouth that has been brushed and not flossed smells fine to the person it belongs to, because people cannot smell their own breath, and it smells of the food between the teeth to everyone else. Two minutes with floss before a date catches the thing that most often ends a goodbye kiss before it is considered. Coffee makes it worse and mints after coffee are not optional.
The jacket and the shirt are the items men most often miss, because they smell of nothing to the man wearing them. Fabric holds the smell of the last three rooms it was in, and a jacket that lives on a hook after a night out is a record of the night out. Smell it at the collar before you put it on.
A shirt that was dried slowly indoors holds a sour note that the wearer cannot detect and the person across the table can, and the fix is a fast dry or a different shirt. The night-before checklist has the clothes laid out the evening before for this reason: so they can be checked in daylight.
Hands are read all evening because they are on the table and on the glass. Nails short and clean is the whole standard, and it is the standard most often missed, because men look at their own hands less than anyone else does. The grooming order puts hands second, after hair and face, because they are read inside the first ten minutes.
The rest of the list is the body doing its ordinary job, done properly: antiperspirant on dry skin (deodorant stops the smell for an hour and the sweating for no time at all), hair washed often enough, underwear and socks fresh. None of it is a secret. The point of the list is that the whole thing takes a few minutes at home and that the alternative is never finding out. The skincare page is the face; the fragrance page is the layer that goes on top of a body that already smells of nothing, which is the only body a fragrance should go on.
Questions
What hygiene do women notice most on a date?
Breath, then hands, then the smell of clothes: a jacket that has been out before, a shirt that dried slowly. Then hair that is a day past clean, and the collar and shoulders of a dark top. All of them are caught at home in a minute and none of them is mentioned at the table, which is why the list exists.
How do I know if my breath is bad?
You do not, from the inside; people cannot smell their own breath. Assume that it is after coffee, garlic, onion or a long gap since brushing, and act accordingly: floss and brush before you leave, a tongue scrape, and a mint after anything on that list during the date. Flossing is the step most men skip and the one that fixes it.
Should I shower right before a date?
Yes, within the two hours before, and put antiperspirant on dry skin straight after. It resets the body to smelling of nothing, which is the base any fragrance needs. Then a clean shirt dried fast, and the jacket smelled before it goes on. The shower is not the whole job; the clothes are the half men forget.
Is deodorant enough?
Deodorant covers the smell for an hour or so and does nothing about sweating. An antiperspirant, applied to dry skin after a shower, stops the sweat, which is what you want for a two-hour date in a warm bar. Most products sold as deodorant are both; check that the label says antiperspirant.
