How to Stand at a Party or Bar: Feet, Weight, Hands, Drink and Angle, So Your Body Says Available
The moment you are not talking to anyone, the body has to do something, and most men brace. The standing checklist (feet, weight, hands, drink, angle), one scene, and the point: the body should say available.
To stand at a party or bar, set five things and then forget them. Feet shoulder-width, weight even or slightly on one hip, not rocking. Shoulders down, head over them. Hands: one on the drink at waist height, the other loose or in a pocket with the thumb out, never both in pockets, never folded. The drink below the chest, not held up like a shield. Your angle: a quarter turn open to the room rather than squared to the wall or buried in one person. That stance reads as available and at ease, which makes people come over and makes it easy for you to go over.
On this page
The standing checklist
- Set these, then forget them
- Feet about shoulder-width, pointing slightly out, weight even or settled on one hip; no rocking, no shifting every ten seconds
- Head back over the shoulders, chin level (the posture reps are the practice for this); eyes on the room, not the floor or the phone
- Shoulders down from the ears; one slow breath into the ribs so the chest is open without being pushed
- One hand on the drink, held at waist or hip height, elbow soft; never up at the chest, which is a shield, and never swinging
- The other hand loose at your side, or in a trouser pocket with the thumb out, or resting on the bar; never both in pockets, never folded across the chest
- A quarter turn open to the room: your shoulders at about forty-five degrees to the wall or bar, so that you can be joined from the side without anyone having to walk round you
- When talking to one person, angle slightly open rather than squared off to them, so a third can join and so she does not feel cornered
- The phone in a pocket, and it stays there unless something is actually happening on it; a man looking at his phone has left the room
- Reset once every few minutes: feet, head, shoulders, drink, angle; then forget it and look at something interesting in the room
The checklist is short because the problem is small and loud. In the moment when you are not talking to anyone, the body has to do something, and the two things it does by default are brace (arms folded, drink up, back to the wall) or fidget (rocking, phone, shifting). Both read as not available: braced says do not approach, fidgeting says I would rather not be here. The stance above says the opposite, and it says it before you have found anyone to talk to, which is when it matters most. Confidence at parties has the rest of the evening; this page is the body in the gaps.
The gap between conversations, two ways
A house party. He has just come back from the kitchen with a drink and the people he was talking to have moved. He is by the wall, back to it, drink held at chest height in both hands, scanning.
Back to the wall, drink as a shield, both hands occupied, squared to the room. Every signal says do not approach, and nobody does.
Ten minutes later he is on his phone, which completes the picture. He will say the party was unfriendly.
Same party, same moment. He is a step away from the wall, quarter turn to the room, drink at hip height in one hand, the other loose, looking at the people with mild interest rather than scanning for an exit.
Same man, same party. The open stance made him approachable, and when she spoke he had a line about the room, not about her, which is what the first minute runs on.
Three minutes later her friend has drifted off and they are talking about the flatmate. The body did the inviting; the line did the rest.
The angle is the item men most often miss, and it does the most work. Squared to the bar with your back to the room, you are furniture. A quarter turn, and you are a person who could be spoken to, and who could speak. It costs nothing, and it is the difference between the two scenes above more than any other single item.
What the body says when you are not watching it
- Arms folded. The clearest do-not-approach signal there is, and the most common. One hand on the drink, the other loose.
- The drink at chest height in both hands. A shield. Drop it to the hip and let one hand go.
- Back to the wall. It feels safe and it reads as hiding. One step off the wall, quarter turn to the room.
- Both hands in pockets. Hunched and closed. One pocket, thumb out, at most.
- Rocking, shifting, weight changing every few seconds. Set the feet and leave them.
- The phone. It is the modern version of staring at the floor. If you need a minute, go outside and have it; do not have it in the middle of the room.
- Squared off to one person. It corners her and it keeps everyone else out. A slight angle lets her relax and lets a third join, which is how groups form around people.
- Scanning. Eyes sweeping the room for someone better reads exactly as what it is. Look at one thing, then another, with interest.
The body should say available, and it says it before you do
Everything that happens at a party starts with whether people can approach you and whether you can approach them, and both are decided by the stance you are holding in the gaps. Open, settled, drink down, quarter turn to the room: that stance invites, and it makes the walk over to someone else a single step rather than a departure from a wall. Presence is the quality being read, and in the gaps between conversations the body is the only thing presenting it. Set the five things, forget them, and look at the room like it is interesting, because it usually is.
Go deeper: The Attraction Map: The Five Places Attraction Is Won or Lost
Questions
What do I do with my hands at a party?
One hand holds the drink at waist or hip height with a soft elbow; the other hangs loose, rests on the bar, or sits in a trouser pocket with the thumb out. Never both in pockets, never folded, never both on the drink at chest height. When you talk, let the free hand gesture a little; small gestures read as engaged.
Where should I stand at a party if I do not know anyone?
A step off the wall, somewhere with traffic through it (near the kitchen door, the drinks, the route to the garden), quarter turn to the room. Not in a corner and not in the centre. Traffic brings people past you, and the open stance lets them stop. Meeting women at parties has where to go from there.
How do I look relaxed when I am not?
Set the body to the relaxed version and let it lie for you: feet set, head over shoulders, drink down, one breath into the ribs. People read the body, not the feeling, and the body can be arranged. The feeling tends to follow the arrangement within a few minutes, which is the useful direction of the mind-body link.
Should I hold a drink if I do not drink?
Yes, something: water, a soft drink, a coffee at a daytime thing. It gives one hand a job and it removes the question of what to do with it. Hold it the same way, at the hip, one hand, and nobody will notice or care what is in it.
