How to Approach a Group of Girls: The Include, Not the Extraction, and the Friend Who Decides
The thing that stops most men at a bar is the friends. The thing that makes most approaches fail is trying to get past them. The group is the unit, one friend decides, and you turn to her only once the group says yes.
You approach a group of girls by approaching the group, not the one you like. One sentence to all of them, about the situation they are all in, from the open side of the group. A question that asks everyone something. Then you read the friend who looked at you first, because she decides the first minute, not the one you came for. If the group widens to let you in, you are in; you turn toward the one you like only after a few minutes, and only partly, and never by pulling her out. If the group stays closed, a warm sentence and you are gone, leaving it exactly as you found it.
On this page
Reading the group
- Open or closed. A loose crescent with a gap, facing partly outward, is open. A tight circle, shoulders touching, facing in, is closed, and stays closed whatever you say.
- The first look. When you arrive, one friend looks at you first. Usually not the one you like. She is the one who decides whether the group widens, and she is the one you answer.
- The widening. Within thirty seconds an open group either shifts to make a space for you or does not. That shift is the yes. Its absence is the no, and it is a kind one.
- The glance between them. If the friends glance at each other after your sentence, they are deciding. A smile between them is good; a flat look is the no, delivered to each other so you can leave without one.
- Her, later. Once you are in, the one you like either turns toward you more than the group does, or she doesn’t. That read happens at minute five, not minute one, and the pattern is the same as anywhere.
The include
- Approach from the open side. Into the gap of the crescent, facing the group, not from behind any of them. At a bar, the side nearest the bar; at a party, the side facing the room.
- One sentence to all of them. About the situation: “Okay, settle something for us: is the band good, or are we all just drunk?” / “Are you the people who ordered the thing that came out on fire? Because we need to know what it was.” It should be a sentence the quiet one and the loud one can both answer.
- A question that asks everyone. “How do you all know each other?” is the classic for a reason: it makes the group explain itself, which is the group inviting you into its story.
- Answer the friend who answers. Whoever took your sentence, that is who you talk to for the first minute. Not the one you like. The friend who decides is testing whether you are here for the group or through it.
- Give the group something. Your friends, your name, the reason you are there, a story the group can laugh at. For five minutes you are a guest of the group, and a good one.
- Then the half-turn. Once the group has widened and laughed, you can angle slightly toward the one you like and give her one question of her own. Slightly. The group should still feel included. If she turns toward you in return, the two of you can drift a step while the group carries on; if not, you are a guest of the group, which is a fine thing to be.
- If you have a friend with you, bring them. Two men joining a group of three is a group joining a group; one man is a man. The friend talks to the friends, which is not a trick; it is being decent company.
- Leave before the group has to ask you to. Five good minutes and “I’ll let you get back to your night, it was good meeting all of you” beats twenty minutes of overstaying. Leaving well applies to groups twice over.
- If it has become the two of you and it is good, the ask is the same as anywhere, but it happens before her friends decide to leave: “Your friends are going to steal you. Give me your number first.” Asking for her number.
The first minute, two ways
A bar. Three women at a standing table, open crescent. He has eyes on the one in the green jacket.
He walked past two people to speak to one, with his back to them, opened about her, and offered a drink to her alone. The friends did what friends do: they closed the group and gave her an exit. The one in the green jacket never had a chance to be interested, because he made being interested cost her the group.
The friend decided, as the friend always does, and he gave her nothing to decide in his favour.
Same table, same crescent, same green jacket.
One sentence to all three, a question that made them explain themselves, and the friend who answered got the first minute. The green jacket was brought in by her friend, not pulled out by him. The group widened at the laugh. He will be a guest of this group for five minutes before anything is about her.
By minute six the friend has gone to the bar and the green jacket has turned toward him, which is her decision, and the group let her make it.
What closes the group
- Walking past the friends. Any approach that puts your back to two of them is an extraction, and they will close around her.
- Opening about her. A compliment to one woman in a group is a sentence the other two have to watch her manage.
- A drink for one. It separates her from the group in the most visible way there is. A round for the table, if it is a conversation after five minutes, is a different thing.
- Ignoring the friend who answers. She is the test. Talking past her to the one you like is failing it in front of everyone.
- Overstaying. A group has a rhythm you arrived in the middle of. Five good minutes and a warm exit is a guest; twenty is a hostage situation.
- Taking the closed group personally. Some groups are mid-story, mid-crisis, or simply out together. A group that stays closed has told you something about tonight, not about you.
You are a guest of the group before you are anything to her
A woman with her friends is part of a unit that has rules, and the first rule is that nobody gets taken out of it by a stranger. The men who do well in groups understand that the group is not an obstacle between them and her; it is the room she is in, and the only way to her is to be welcome in it. Be good company to all of them, let the friend who decides decide, and turn to the one you like only after the group has said yes. The Reciprocity Test runs twice here: once with the group, once with her, and in that order.
Go deeper: The Reciprocity Test: How to Know if a Woman Is Interested in You
After the group
- You were in, and she turned toward you: say the true thing before her friends leave, and Invest, Invite, Release from there.
- You were in, and she didn’t: you were good company to three people for five minutes, which is the thing that makes the next group easier. Leave warmly.
- The group stayed closed: nothing lost. The bar page has the look-and-return for the woman standing alone at the bar, which is the easier case.
- Groups are the whole problem and you freeze at the gap: Confidence at parties has the open-group move with no romantic layer, which is where to practise it.
Questions
How do I approach a girl who is with her friends?
By approaching her friends. One sentence to the whole group about the situation, a question that asks all of them something, and your attention on whichever friend answers first. If the group widens to let you in, be a good guest for a few minutes before you turn, partly, to the one you like. Walking past the friends to reach her is the thing that fails.
What do I say to a group of girls?
Something all of them can answer, about the thing they are all in: the band, the drink that came out on fire, whether this place used to be better. Then “how do you all know each other?”, which makes the group explain itself and invites you into its story. Nothing about any one of them, and no line.
What if her friends don’t like me?
Then the group stays closed, and that is their call to make for her. Leave warmly after a sentence, and do not try again with her alone later; her friends will have told her, and a second approach is the thing they warned her about. A closed group is information about tonight, not a verdict.
Should I bring a wingman?
If you have a friend who is good company, yes, because two people joining a group is a group joining a group, and he talks to the friends while you talk to the group. Not as a tactic: a friend who treats her friends as obstacles makes it worse than going alone. Going out alone has the solo version, which works too.
