Meeting Her Parents for the First Time: Prep, the Visit, and the Follow-Up
Her parents are deciding whether to trust you with someone they love. You cannot control the verdict, only make it easy to reach. The prep checklist, the visit, the follow-up, the cool parent.
When you meet your girlfriend’s parents for the first time, prepare with her, not with the internet: ask what they are like, what to call them, what to bring and what to steer clear of.
On the day, arrive on time, greet each of them by name, offer to help, ask about their lives and let her lead. Be warm to her and keep it modest in front of them. Send a short thank-you the next day.
If one parent is cool on you, do not push and do not argue: be the same pleasant person every visit, and give it time.
On this page
The prep, the visit, the follow-up
- The prep checklist: ten questions to ask her first
- What is each of them like, in one sentence each?
- What do I call them: first names, or Mr and Mrs until they say otherwise?
- What do they care about: the garden, the dog, the cricket, their church, the business?
- What should I not bring up, and is anything difficult going on in the family right now?
- What do they already know about me, and what have you told them?
- What is the visit: lunch, a weekend, a birthday, a holiday meal? How long?
- Do they drink, and does anyone mind if others do?
- What should I bring: flowers, a dessert, something from where I grew up?
- If we are staying over, what are the sleeping arrangements? (Accept the answer without comment.)
- What is our signal for “I need a minute”, and roughly when are we leaving?
- Prep with her, not with a list of tips.
Every family runs differently. One wants a firm handshake and “Mr Okafor”; another will be hurt if you do not hug them and call them by their first names. She knows which family she has. Ask the questions above a few days before, not in the car.
- Bring something small and suitable.
Flowers, a dessert, something from where you grew up: she will tell you which. Hand it to whoever is hosting, with a sentence: “Kemi said you love lemon tart, so I didn’t dare come without one.”
- Arrive on time, one notch smarter than you need. Clean shoes. Phone in your pocket, on silent, for the whole visit.
- Greet each of them properly.
Look at each of them, use the name she told you, and follow their lead on handshake or hug. If unsure, offer a hand and let them turn it into a hug.
- Offer to help, once, and mean it. Carry plates, open the wine, take a turn at the washing up. If they say sit down, sit down. Insisting three times becomes its own small standoff.
- Ask about their lives. Parents are asked about their children often and about themselves rarely. Ask about the thing she said they care about, and listen.
- Answer their questions plainly.
Expect work, where you grew up, your family, and some version of “so what are your plans?”. Answer honestly, without a pitch. If they ask about the two of you: “I really like her, and I’m taking it seriously.” That is true and it is enough.
- Let her lead, and be seen to like her.
Listen when she talks, laugh at her stories, never correct her in front of them. A hand held on a walk is fine; more than that can wait until you are back in the car.
- Follow up.
The next day, a short thank-you, through her or directly if they have given you a number: “Thank you for having me yesterday. I’m still thinking about that tart.” Then ask her how she thinks it went, and remember one detail for next time.
If you have already met her friends, this is the same skill at a slower pace and a higher stake. Meeting her friends has the version with a pub instead of a dining table.
Two Sunday lunches
First Sunday lunch at her parents’ house. He is ten minutes late and empty-handed. Over the roast, her dad mentions a news story about rents going up.
He thought confidence meant holding his own. Her dad rents out two flats, which one question to his girlfriend the week before would have told him.
He was trying to be impressive, and he was, in the wrong direction. Her mum will be kind about it. Her dad will not mention him at all, which is worse.
The same lunch. He arrives on time with a lemon tart, because Kemi warned him her mum makes the best one she knows and would want to judge his. Her dad, at the door, says only: “You found it, then.”
A little self-deprecation, and he has handed her mum the win. It costs him nothing.
Her dad says little all afternoon and is left in peace: one question about the cricket, no chasing. He clears plates and leaves at the time they agreed. Her mum’s verdict, through Kemi: “He’s lovely.” Her dad’s: “He seems fine.” From her dad, she says, that is a lot.
The parent who is cool on you
Sometimes one parent warms to you over lunch and the other stays polite and distant. It is common, and it is rarely about anything you did in the first hour. A father protective of a daughter who was hurt before.
A mother who liked the last boyfriend. A family that hoped for someone from their own faith or background. A parent who is reserved with everyone and has been for thirty years.
You will not know which, and you do not need to.
What helps is consistency over several visits, not effort in one. Be the same pleasant, interested man each time.
Greet the cool parent as warmly as the other, ask them one question about their thing, and do not chase them through the afternoon for approval. Never argue with them, about the coolness or anything else. Never ask her to fix it.
You can ask her one plain question afterwards: “Is there anything I should know, or anything I did?” If there was something specific, deal with it once, quietly.
If not, let time do the work. If a parent is openly rude to you, say so to her, once and calmly. How she handles her own family is her call, and pressure from you only makes it harder for her.
What goes wrong at the parents’
- Debating. Politics, religion, the news, their choices. You can disagree mildly (“I see it a bit differently”) and let it go. Winning the argument loses the afternoon.
- Over-familiarity. First names before you are invited to use them, jokes about their daughter, settling into their sofa like it is yours.
- Drinking more than they do. Match the slowest drinker at the table, or have one less.
- The speech about the future. Telling her parents you are going to marry her, months before you have said anything like it to her.
- Asking her to referee. If something goes wrong with a parent, talk to her privately afterwards, never across the table.
- Taking a cool reception personally, out loud. Sulking, or “your dad hates me” in the car. A reserved parent is not a verdict.
What is yours at her parents’ table
The Attraction Control Split fits this afternoon almost exactly. What you control: the prep, the time you arrive, the tart, your manners, how you talk to her and to them, the follow-up.
What you influence: their first impression, how comfortable the table feels, what they say to her afterwards.
What you cannot control: their history, their hopes for her, what they thought of the last one, and whether a cautious parent warms this year or next.
Men who come away from a first visit feeling crushed have usually tried to win the third column in a single lunch. The first column, done the same way every visit, is what moves it.
Go deeper: The Attraction Control Split: What You Control, What You Influence, What You Don’t
Questions
What should I bring when meeting her parents for the first time?
Something small that suits them, chosen with her: flowers, a dessert, a bottle if they drink, or something from where you grew up. Hand it to whoever is hosting with one sentence about why you chose it, and do not make a fuss about it.
What do I call her parents?
Whatever she tells you to. In some families it is first names from the door; in others it is Mr and Mrs until they ask you to change.
If you are unsure, start formal. It is easy for them to invite you to be more casual, and awkward the other way round.
What if her parents ask about my intentions?
Answer honestly and briefly: “I really like her, and I’m taking it seriously.” Do not promise anything you have not said to her first. A plain answer, said calmly, reassures a parent more than a speech about the future.
When should you meet your girlfriend’s parents?
Usually once you are exclusive and it is clearly going somewhere, which might be a few months in. Families and cultures differ a lot, and distance changes it too, so let her decide when.
The first three months has where it tends to fall, after introducing her to your friends.
What should I wear to meet her parents?
One notch smarter than you would wear to see her: a clean shirt or a good jumper, decent trousers, clean shoes. Ask her what the visit is, because a garden barbecue and a holiday dinner need different things. Looking like you made an effort is the point.
